Month 1: The Gratitude Change

In December of 2008, I began to think about the changes I wanted to make in the New Year. I didn't want to focus on superficial changes, like losing weight or becoming more organized, although both of those things would be beneficial in my life. I decided that I wanted to make a change that would have a lasting impact on my life and the lives of those I meet. Now, at the one month mark, I want to take a look at what I've learned so far.

It hasn't been an easy month. I've had a couple of emergency room visits for x-rays following bad falls. I've broken a couple of toes and sprained the fibular collateral ligament in my knee. I've been doing a detox program with an restricted diet. It's been a particularly stressful month at work, and I've been trying to learn how to be the vice president of education for a large, active Toastmasters club. I am putting in 4 14-hours days plus an 8 hour day every week between work and Toastmasters, so sleep is at a premium. The last week of the month, I've had an exceptionally vigorous intestinal bug. It would have been easy to put this project off until February. Except February will probably be just as challenging, as will March, April, May, etc. This is the world I live in. If I want to change it, I must bring gratitude to bear, even when I'm on the floor yelling, "I've fallen, and I can't get up."

I'm glad I stuck it out this month, because, as a wise person once said, it's in adversity that we meet ourselves. I learned that when life is challenging, I become blind to my blessings. I have to make a concerted effort to bring my focus back to gratitude. If I don't make that effort, the bad stuff takes over. Neurologically, this makes sense. I have an extensive history of trauma and a diagnosis of PTSD. One of the major symptoms of this, for me, is hypervigilance. My brain is always on alert, waiting for something to go wrong. This expectation that bad things will be happening to me is one of the major reasons I wanted to cultivate gratitude in my life - so that I would get into the habit of re-focusing my thoughts. This month taught me that this change is more important for me than I had guessed.

The biggest thing that I learned this month is that it's not enough for me to get up in the morning and write 5 things in a journal. Or to do that before going to bed at night. I learned that this is something I need to do all day long. What works best for me is to keep an email open at work and to add to it in the moment. When I remember to do this, my day is completely transformed, no matter what else is happening. I also believe that writing in my "journal" this way is helping me build the habit of living in gratitude all day long. I'm going to start integrated my day planner into this regime for the times when I'm not at my work email.

It is fascinating to watch how the practice of gratitude can transform a bad day into a good one. I found myself at home this week, sick as a dog, enjoying myself. Why? Because I had comfortable pjs, warm blankets, and paid sick leave. I didn't have to focus on being sick; I could focus instead on the support I had for becoming healthy again. That was a pretty amazing shift in how my day "felt". I'm really looking forward to the second month of living in gratitude.